FLOURISHING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

As children of God we are involved in the greatest kind of relationship – we are in relationship with God. To this end, we have made the best decision of all. And in deciding to accept Jesus Christ as the Lord of our lives, we have allowed God to help us determine not just who we relate to but how we relate.

Relationships are not just romantic and we relate to people on so many different levels. The Bible is all about relationships and in it we can see how coming into relationships with the wrong or right people can profoundly affect a person’s life. Just look at Ruth and Naomi, Esther and Mordecai,

or Solomon, whose wives turned his heart to other gods, and Delilah, who facilitated the capture of Samson. Relationships matter and who you relate with, and how matters even more.

It is therefore important that we understand what issues can positively or negatively affect our relationships. We will look at three key issues: Low self esteem, communication and toxic people.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Low self esteem is a definite killer of marital bliss and romantic relationships. It is when one person feels they are worth less than the person they are in relationship with. Low self-esteem will make a person feel inadequate, unable to measure up, unable to please or to satisfy. Low self-esteem is the reason people allow themselves to be treated like door mats. This was a challenge in the life of Gideon (Judges 6:15).

The solution to overcoming low self-esteem is to first of all realise that true love is measured by the capacity you have to love yourself. Jesus taught us that we should love our neighbour as yourself (Matthew 22:39). You cannot give what you do not have; you cannot love people to a level that you do not love yourself. When you try to love people beyond your own capacity to love yourself, the result is what I call loving without being loved and there are so many people who fall within this category.

If you have strong self-esteem be very sure before marrying someone who is dealing with acute low self-esteem: such people tend to pull others down to their level, they are constantly self-conscious and connect everything that happens to the way they feel.

COMMUNICATION

The quality of communication will determine the strength of a relationship. We spend every day of our lives communicating either verbally or non-verbally. Many fires of romance have been quenched because of the way the people involved have managed their communication. People have sometimes communicated negatively by living in the same house and choosing not to talk to each other, cutting one another off, keeping malice etc.

Communication is about encoding and decoding. Challenges arise when one person decodes a message that is different to what their spouse encoded.

Marital relationship is one place where you can never talk too much. The opening of the heart to one another is a major source of strengthening relationships.

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

Toxic relationships are a direct result of the people you relate with. If you enter into a relationship

With a toxic person the resulting relationship can leave you feeling exasperated, strained, emotionally abused and mentally and spiritually branded. While the person you are relating with may not know what they are doing to cause harm, the relationship can be turned around if the actions are addressed. I can think of more than 20 types of toxic people.

We will now discuss five.

TOXIC PEOPLE

THE MOTHER THERESA – This kind of person will look for a relationship where they can be dominated and used – they like it this way. If anything goes wrong they are the first to apologise. They love without being loved and make themselves available for the person they are in love with, even it is to their detriment.

THE COMMITMENT PHOBIC – Their actions say ‘come close – move away’. They have history of broken hearts and relationships and are slippery when asked to commit. They have an insatiable desire for affirmation but resist anyone who want to ‘tie them down’.

THE CONTROLLER – control is one of the manifestations of the Jezebel spirit. The others are manipulation and domination. The Controller sees everything in black and white. They want to be in charge and dictate. They don’t know how to give or receive love. When things don’t go well, they can be cruel and hurtful. They are high on order but poor on relationship.

THE NARCISSIST – they are self centered, believing they are a very special unequalled gift to the opposite sex. They only see things from their own point of view and react violently to your differing opinion. They believe the world should revolve around them.

THE VERY DRAINING PERSON – they need you every hour. They are very selfish and self-centered; consumed by their own need for love, affection and appreciation. They are only concerned with how they feel and can cause harm to themselves or others in their bid to receive your attention. Their low self esteem and lack of self worth makes them feel that they cannot stand on their own and as such they do not allow you room to breathe. A relationship with this type of person is probably one of the most toxic. The counsel of the Lord should be sought when trying to break free.

HOW TO MAINTAIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

There are several other reasons why people walk away from romantic or marital love. In this piece I will consider only a few, but in my works I have delved into many others. Some reasons are obvious and popular, while others may appear minor – the fact is they have all contributed to one person walking away from their spouse or future spouse.

There are six key laws that found a successful relationship. I will address three:

BE YOURSELF. Do not attempt to be somebody else or speak to your spouse the way you have seen someone else speak to their spouse.

USE YOUR BEST gift most often. We all have something in us that attracted the person you are dating or are married to.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CONTROL EACH OTHER; this is how communication can break down.

GOD’S WISDOM OR THE WISDOM OF THE WORLD?

The bottom line is this – do you operate under God’s wisdom or the wisdom of the world?

A woman who uses Godly wisdom:

• Maintains her godly unique identity
• Will not get into foolish attachments
• Seeks spiritual counsel
• Will not enter wrong courtships
• Will not give up her dreams in order to make a relationship happen
• Will not have a baby for the wrong reason
• Does not have foolish expectations
• Will not lower her standards or sell herself short
• Does not dress to seduce
• Does not walk in self pity
• Does not stay in a relationship out of pity
• Does not cut off all her other relationships for the man
• Does not use her sexuality to control men

God wants you to experience positive relationships that bless you and honour him. It is my prayer, that according to Ephesians 5:10, you find out what pleases the Lord and experience His goodness as you obey Him.

God bless you.

© Matthew Ashimolowo. This article is based on the books: 30 Quenchers of Marital Love: I am a Woman I am not Dumb – 101 Actions of a Wise Woman and Don’t date devils. To obtain copies of these and other books please contact MAMM Bookstore